It was so appropriate that he had chosen the beach for them to meet. During their courtship days they spent so much time at the Tar-Qua Bay. She remembered how nervous she used to get when they got to the jetty just after the American embassy. She hated the water and her palms used to get all sweaty and she actually trembled. Adrian used to laugh and tell her to hold his hands and that everything would be all right. And he used to say it with so much sincerity and love in his eyes and spirited laugh. When they got on the ferry he always kept his word, stayed close to her and held her hands all through until they got to the exclusive island beach. After many visits she had overcome her fear of the water and could sit through the entire ferry ride without holding his hands or being scared.

They had their spot there. It was under two almost intertwining palm trees. There was an old wrecked canoe boat that lay half buried under the palm trees. They used to sit in this wreckage, shielded by the sun and away from other visitors who either were strolling barefooted by the water front, letting the encroaching water cover their naked feet and soak up the wet, pale white sand or those who sat on the rented deck chairs under beach umbrellas so they don’t get burnt by the harsh rays of the sun.

Ada found her way to their spot and breathed a sigh of relief when she found their old boat was not occupied. Before she climbed into the boat she rushed to one of the trees and searched for the marking they had both made years earlier. It was such a silly moment and she had remarked then that it was

She got into the boat and tried to think more about the last couple of weeks. It had not been easy for her but she had lived through the worst moments. She had summoned up enough courage to face her parents and tell them she would be leaving her husband. Surprisingly there had not been that much of an objection from either her parents. Her two sisters were there, as well as her brother and all the while they had remained strangely quiet and very attentive. She could not tell them the real reason why she was leaving Adrian, she didn’t know how to get the words out of her mouth but from the look in their eyes, Ada knew they must have heard about her husband’s sexuality issues. It was in their eyes and they had been polite enough not to say anything about it knowing it would embarrass her. There had been a hint of mad anger in her father’s eyes but the anger was not directed at her. Her mother had listened quietly with a pitying demeanor. Ada had known then that her marriage to Adrian would simply be forgotten and erased from their collective memories as if it had never happened. It would be relegated to the dark corner of their minds where all the unspoken taboos lay hidden. Taboos like aunty Chichi’s abortion she had when she was only sixteen or uncle Uche’s illegitimate son who was now a big doctor in America. The knowledge of her homosexual husband would now be one of the family’s dirty secrets and all would be forbidden to breathe a word of it.

Then there was the issue of their daughter, Ego. Her parents had offered to raise her so she could have a complete set of parents but Ada had thanked them but had refused the offer. She would care for her child and Adrian too would have access to her as well. She wasn’t going to deny him the rights to see his daughter. She wasn’t going to estrange Ego from her father.

In her way she had made peace with herself and situation. She no longer felt sorry for herself neither did she feel ashamed like she had brought all this on to herself. She had learnt to accept that unfortunate things happen to good people everyday. Some married couples would always stay married while some married couples split up. She would not be the first woman who would walk away from a marriage that was not meant to last forever. She was at peace with this knowledge at last.

It helped that she had been visiting with Carol and the other ladies, Hajiya and Temi. She found a comfort zone with these ladies. She got to understand the reason for their indifference and attitude. It was their own way of protecting and shielding their already fragile heart. With these ladies she learnt how to laugh again and live. It was strange how she now looked forward to her weekly meets with them, she who had once despised what she believed they stood for.

"Hey you."

Ada looked up and Adrian was standing over her, backing the sun, wearing a white linen trouser and a flowing patterned shirt that was unbuttoned to his navel. He was looking absolutely handsome.

"Adrian." She said. She stood up and hugged him. It was the first time they had had body contact since she learnt of his secret past.

Adrian joined her in the canoe. He sat at the opposite angle from her. He looked calm and relaxed.

"So, how have you been?" Ada asked.

"I’m fine, Ada."

"And your back?" Chika had told her about what had happened at the pastor’s house.

"It’s been two weeks now." Adrian said. "I have healed nicely."

"I’m glad for you."

"Thank you."

They both looked into each other’s eyes and then away to the waves of the beach then back at each other again.

"How have you been?" Adrian asked.

"I’m fine." Ada said.

"And Ego?"

"She’s fine. You talk to her everyday."

"Good…good." Adrian said, clasping his hands. "What about us?"

"Adrian, I think you know what we must do." Ada said.

"Divorce?"

Ada nodded slowly. "We can’t continue to be married. Or do you want us to?"

"I suppose you are right." Adrian sighed. "We should divorce and get on with our lives."

Ada shifted uneasily. Having him confirm the inevitability of their separation made her feel a deep sense of loss. She knew it was the only thing to do, the only thing she could agree to, judging by the circumstance.

"I worry about Ego though." Adrian said. "How do we explain all this to her?"

"She is just a child and very soon will stop asking questions. When she is older we can tell her something."

"She would want to know the truth then." Adrian said.

"Then we tell her the truth." Ada said. "I will make sure she is brought up with love and tolerance so she doesn’t discriminate against people irrespective of their beliefs and lifestyle."

She was telling him that their daughter would have to learn eventually that her father is gay and she would have to make her own choice to either accept him or disassociate herself from him. She would make sure that Ego respect Adrian as her father always. This was a promise she had made to herself.

"Would you remarry?" Adrian asked.

"I don’t know if I can." Ada said truthfully. "I have not had any time to consider that… Why have you asked?"

"I don’t know." Adrian shrugged. "I was only thinking of Ego having another father. I guess I would be jealous, but I don’t want you to be lonely for the rest of your life as well."

Ada smiled. She was touched by his words. He still cared enough to worry about her loneliness.

"I need to know, Adrian," Ada said. "Did you ever truly love me?"

"Yes, I did." Adrian said. "I still do."

"But you are gay."

"Yes, I am."

"How can you love a woman?" Ada asked. "Doesn’t that contradict with your sexuality?"

"I don’t know." Ada shrugged again. "Two people of the same sex having sex."

Adrian smiled at her and shook his head in mock exasperation. Somehow he knew that was going to be her answer.

"You shake your head." Ada said. "What is it then?"

Adrian paused momentarily to gather his thoughts. He had to look for the right words to explain to her what it truly meant to be gay.

"I have come to learn," Adrian began. "That being gay has nothing to do with the physical action of sex nor a person’s sexual preference be it with the opposite sex or same sex. Sleeping with a man or woman will always remain the individual’s choice. I am gay because it is who I am. It is the way I see the world. It is the way I reason and live. It is waking up in the morning and going to bed at night. It is listening to music and loving it. It is watching a movie and wanting to see it over again. It is laughing when I am happy and crying when I am sad. It is appreciating the simple things life brings and not

the act of sexual intercourse. Sex on its own is a physical expression of love or lust. I could love a woman because of the qualities she possesses and still be gay. A man can be gay all his life without actually sleeping with another man. Can you understand this?"

"I don’t know, Adrian." Ada confessed. "I don’t know if I can understand anything you have just said. It is asking me to disregard all I have learnt all my life. It is asking me to keep aside all my bible teachings and accept your word only. I’ve promised myself not to judge you or your kind because I would never really understand why you are the way you are and I will make sure our daughter is not prejudiced either."

"Ok, Ada," Adrian said. "I’m not trying to convert you to my way of thinking but I want you to understand me a little better. I want when you think about me, you don’t see a monster who deceived you but a man who loves you."

"I know… I know." Ada said. "What about you? What do you intend to do with yourself."

"I really don’t know." Adrian admitted. "I get back to work on Monday and I have to decide if I want to continue working there or moving to another company. I have even thought about relocating to another country."

"Relocating?"

"I’m a realist, Ada." Adrian sighed. "Nigeria is not tolerant of my kind and I want to work and live in a place where I won’t have to deny my sexuality. I want if I’m asked ‘Are you gay?’ I can answer truthfully ‘Yes, I am.’ If I remain here, I will always be a victim. I will always have to worry about what the next person is thinking about me or I will have to worry that I may lose my job at any time or not get the necessary recognition at work I deserve."

"If you leave, what about Ego and me?" Ada asked. "How would we get to see you?"

"I haven’t made up my mind on anything yet." Adrian answered. He smiled warmly. "But whatever I do, even if I do

relocate, I will make sure the both of you will always have contact with me."

"God! This is depressing talk." Ada said. "Let’s not talk about going away and relocating. Let us talk about happy things."

"That’s funny." Adrian laughed. "I remember you telling me not long ago that you had nothing to say to me…"

"Oh stop it." Ada slapped his knee playfully. "I was angry then and in shock, you know."

"So what has changed now?"

"It was more of something you said sometime ago." Ada said. "You said you were still the same person and it is true, you are still you. And then I began to question myself after Nkechi told me she feared that her son could be gay. She wouldn’t love him less if he were, neither would I. So I had to ask myself why I could not accept you the way you are."

"I see." Adrian said thoughtfully.

She hoped he did. He was smiling and she smiled back. This had turned out better than she had hoped. They would remain friends and would not have to squabble about who had custody of their daughter. He had also opened up to her about deep issues regarding his sexuality. She did not know what to make of it, but somehow she understood his frustrations.

The wind was blowing with a bit more force now and she had to use her hand to brush her hair from her face. They both looked up at the sky as if they expected rain but there was no grey cloud in sight. Looking back at each other with laughing eyes, there was an unspoken pact that passed between them and that was, no matter what, for the rest of their lives they would always be open and honest with each other and they would always be friends.

* * *

This was something he should have done many years earlier he kept telling himself. If he had had the courage to confront this moment all those years past, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe fewer people would have been hurt by his actions.

He felt like he had returned home. It was like he had never left this sprawling one-acre estate with the winding road that led from the gate to the mansion or the expansive green lawns and flower gardens with the palm trees that gave the property character. He remembered so well the stable at the back that housed three-prized stallions and the little riding field also at the back. He remembered the pool and servant quarters that were utilized by the cook, Famous, the driver, Adamu and the gardener, Jacob. This used to be his second home so long ago. He remembered hanging around by the pool during those long lazy weekends or hosting small dinner parties by the pool with his close male friends.

But in these memories, there had always been Antonio. If it could be said that Adrian had only truly loved once in his lifetime, that love would have been Antonio. Adrian had been happiest when he was with Antonio. They had met when the Spanish embassy had thrown a dinner for all Spanish nationals and companies who had trade business with the Nigerian government or who had business interests in Nigeria. Adrian’s firm was an affiliate of a Spanish multimedia conglomerate. He had attended the dinner reluctantly. He had been sat on the same table as Antonio and in the course of the evening they had gotten to know a little about each other. It was obvious to both of them that the other was gay. They exchanged cards and numbers and thus began their brief friendship, which quickly became a more intimate affair.

It was a wonderful period for Adrian until that moment when he was betrayed. He had never thought that it was possible to feel that much hurt neither did he know how much he had let himself love Antonio. Prior to meeting Antonio he had never considered that he could be content in a relationship with another man and this was largely due to the negative perceptions people had of things like that. But it had happened and he had gotten burnt.

He was seated now in the beautifully furnished lounge. It was more beautiful than he remembered it. There must have been several redecorations over the years and Adrian observed a couple of bits and odds that were not there when he last visited the house. There was definitely a retro feel with the way everything was laid out; the black leather seats contrasting the white marble flooring, the metallic entertainment unit against a backdrop of clear glass and then Chinese lamps hanging from the high ceiling.

Adrian was offered a drink but he declined politely. He was told that Antonio was taking a shower and would be joining him in the next couple of minutes. He smiled his understanding as the young manservant retreated to the kitchen. As soon as he was alone again, he got up and walked over to the display shelves next to the entertainment unit. There was a framed picture on the top shelves of himself and Antonio. They had taken that picture when they had holidayed together in Brighton. Antonio had his arm playfully round Adrian’s neck in a chokehold and they were both smiling. It was one of the most memorable times they had spent together.

"I remember you said you wanted that moment to last forever and I said I would make sure it did."

Adrian turned round to face Antonio. He looked lean. His wild curly hair that Adrian remembered with such fondness was now cut really low. But he still had that irresistible sparkle in his big, honey-brown eyes and a mischievous curve to his lips when he smiled.

"Adrian, my Adrian." Antonio said. "What a pleasant surprise and you look great I must add."

"Antonio." Adrian said. "You look…different."

"Darling, my age is catching up with me, you know." He moved close to Adrian and embraced him fondly. "How come you don’t have a drink? Isaac!" He shouted for his manservant.

"It is ok." Adrian stopped him. "I was offered but refused. I’m ok."

Antonio looked at him comically and then shrugged.

"Come now," Antonio beckoned to him. "Come join me on the couch and talk to me. To what do I owe this visit? I thought I ranked with the devil in your books."

Adrian joined him on the couch. He didn’t sit so close to him, there was a small space between them that could have occupied another person. It felt strange being this close to him again but it was a different kind of strange. Adrian did not feel apprehensive; neither did his heart flutter with love or excitement like it would have done so many years earlier. He just felt superior at that moment, superior because he had been able to survive without him for all those years and also conquer the anger.

The betrayal and anger he had harbored all those years had blinded him and made him despise himself and his sexuality. He had questioned God in his prayers why He had made him the way he was. He cursed himself for being different. But he could not be any other way. Just like he had told Ada, being gay was everything about him and not just the sexual act itself.

"So, talk to me." Antonio cooed. "What has been happening to you?"

"I’m getting a divorce." Adrian said. "And I’m moving to London."

"Wow!" Antonio exclaimed. "That’s a big step. What about your job?"

"I qualify as a highly skilled immigrant, so I have work waiting for me already in the UK." Adrian said. "I just wanted to see you before I leave and tell you that I am no longer angry. I don’t hate you."

"Thank you." Antonio said softly. "That means a lot to me."

"You seem sad." Adrian said. "Are you ok?"

Antonio looked away into the distance. There was a far away look in his gullible brown eyes that momentarily fluttered and then he smiled warmly.

"I am HIV positive, Adrian." He said quietly.

Adrian felt the wind knocked out of his lungs. He stared hard at Antonio, searching his lean but handsome face for a give away sign that he was only joking, that he was playing one of his cruel jokes on him. But this was not funny and Adrian feared that it was also the truth.

"Is this true?" Adrian asked fearfully.

"Yes."

"When did you find out?"

"June last year." Antonio answered.

"How come?" Adrian asked. "How did you get it? You always told me to play safe. When we were together we always used protection."

"I know." Antonio said. "I got careless after you left me. Too many beautiful black men, so little time…"

"Don’t joke with something like this." Adrian cried. "You are going to die, Antonio, don’t you realize that?"

"Good news for homosexuals, heterosexuals die too." Antonio said. "You shouldn’t take this so seriously. I’m ok and getting treatment."

"This is a serious thing, Antonio." Adrian said. "You are going to die."

"Eventually." Antonio said. "But so will you and every person alive today. We all will die of something eventually."

"I know this." Adrian said. "But this could have been prevented. Because I know that I will die of something someday does not mean I should run out into a busy highway and risk getting knocked down and killed… It is the same with sex."

"Ok, Adrian, stop the preaching." Antonio said. "I didn’t tell you I am HIV positive to freak you out, I just thought you would have liked to know."

"Thank you for telling me." Adrian said after a long pause. "But are you ok? Is there anything I can do for you?"

"I’m good." Antonio said. "And thanks for offering, but everything is under control. I have my medication and regular visits to my doctors. I can beat this."

"Ok, Antonio." Adrian said getting up. "I’m happy it is under control but do take care. I will call on you before I leave for England."

They hugged again and Antonio kissed his cheeks before Adrian walked out of the lounge and into the sun. His face was cast down, deep in thought, his eyes locked in a trance on his moving shadow. In all his wildest dreams he would not have wished this to even his worst enemy. But Antonio had brought this on himself. He had chosen to have multiple partners and not use protection when it mattered the most. This was one of the reckless lifestyle of many gay men that bothered Adrian. He wondered why so many people thought nothing of having multiple partners. He wondered why some felt incomplete if they do not sample as many partners as possible. He was no saint himself, there had been a time he was like that, but then he had believed he was trying out as many options he had available to him to find the right partner for himself. That was what he told himself, but another part of him told him that was not quite true. Even in his reckless days, he had always known that there was no chance that Nigeria would evolve in such a way that same sex unions would be accepted and thus remaining with one partner indefinitely could be hurtful emotionally as the idea of it would never last. For him, moving

on to the next partner had been his own emotional trump card against disappointment. But even then he had been careful. Could this be the driving force that made promiscuity within the gay community rampant? These were questions Adrian had long ceased searching for answers to. Antonio’s choices were his choices and his alone. Every man would have to live and die on his own terms. He was just glad that he had finally found some closure.

He had tried to erase from his memory his relationship with Antonio all these years and had tried to pretend that he could lead what many termed a normal life with a wife and the false sense of security and normalcy it offered, but deep inside he had known the only person he was fooling was himself. He had found some peace with Ada and Ego, but there had always been that nagging feeling that something in his life was incomplete.